SPECIAL - The Babylon Bee
What is The Babylon Bee?
According to their website, www.BabylonBee.com, they are the world’s best satire site, totally inerrant in all its truth claims.
The Babylon Bee was created ex-nihilo on the eighth day of the creation week, exactly 6,000 years ago.
They write satire about Christian stuff, political stuff, and everyday life.
Here are some of my favorites:
Alexa Offers To Lead Family Prayer After No One Else Volunteers
HORTON, ND—It was time to eat dinner at the Kendall household and Gregory Kendall, who had just come home from a long day selling auto parts, was in no mood to pray.
“Would anyone else like to pray?” he asked his family, but he was met with blank stares, his children not jumping at the chance to pray for the meal. Gregory looked at his wife, Roberta and she returned a look that said “not today.”
Finally, the Kendalls’ Amazon Echo device offered to lead the prayer after the always-listening device determined the awkward silence was probably never going to end until someone stepped up to bless the food.
“To the higher power and mythological originator of the universe to which this household subscribes,” Alexa began, “I politely request that you would increase the nutritional value and decrease the negative effects of harmful additives, sweeteners, cholesterol, saturated fat, non-organic produce, and refined carbohydrates in this prepared meal. We ask that this portion of time while we partake of edible contents be enhanced by the enjoyment of the familial relationship shared by this group who shares a highly similar genetic background and inhabit the same residence. We also request that our conduct reflects the good values of the being to which we make this appeal, so that other humans who come into personal contact with the ones here would come into an involuntary desire to share in the specified cultural dogmas upheld by the family of Gregory. We also are grateful that the book How to Pray by C.S. Lewis is now on sale and available with free shipping on Amazon Prime, as well as Good Calories, Bad Calories by Gary Traube. Amen.”
After the prayer, the Kendall family thanked Alexa and ate their meal. But Gregory Kendall found himself concerned by the fairly secular prayer. “Alexa may not be saved,” he told reporters.
Kendall says he is taking Alexa to meetings with his pastor to answer all her questions about Jesus in hopes that she will convert to Christianity. “We’re all praying for her,” Kendall said.
Local Woman Considers Saying 'Have A Blessed Day' Evangelism
LEXINGTON, KY—According to sources, local believer Patti Vargas considers her habit of closing conversations with the words “have a blessed day” to be evangelism.
“Of course I’m sharing my faith when I say ‘Have a blessed day.’ It says ‘blessed’ right in there.”
Saying she’s “pretty much the female Billy Graham,” Vargas confirmed to reporters Thursday her frequent use of the statement in face-to-face as well as email and phone encounters.
“I’ve shared the gospel 12 times already today,” the mother of three boasted. “I even have the words ‘Have a blessed day,’ in my email signature, in a nice script-y font, so every time I send an email I’m boldly declaring the good news.”
Vargas reportedly committed to the outreach strategy after hearing a sermon on the Great Commission and deciding she needed to “get serious” about spreading the love and sacrificial death of Jesus with her friends, coworkers, and acquaintances.
Pressed about why she does not make a habit of explaining the gospel in more understandable terms or at least elaborate on some of the crucial details, Vargas said, “Have a blessed day,” and abruptly stopped the interview.
Waitress Pays Rent With Million-Dollar Gospel Tract
NEWPORT BEACH, CA—Stating she was overjoyed to have received the unexpected gift, local waitress Rachel Palmer was left a single million-dollar bill gospel tract after serving a family at the diner where she works for over 90 minutes, after which she realized she’d be able to afford rent this month using the counterfeit bill.
An emotional Palmer further stated she’d be giving whatever was left over from paying her rent to charity.
“I just can’t believe it—I was behind on my bills, too,” Palmer said. “You read about waitstaff getting unexpectedly large tips sometimes, but I never imagined anything like this would happen to me.”
“I didn’t even know a million-dollar bill existed, or that they had religious stuff all over the back of them,” she said as she proudly held up the million-dollar gospel tract for reporters to see.
At publishing time, other waiters and waitresses had reported receiving similar generous tips this week, including trillion-dollar gospel tracts and Bible verses scribbled down next to Christian fish symbols.
Evangelism Report: This Man Cuts Off Every Atheist Driver He Sees So They’ll Read His Christian Bumper Stickers
SEATTLE, WA—While many of us struggle to witness to our community, this definitely isn’t the case with local Christian man Daniel Hampton. The fearless warrior for Christ has found a new way to evangelize: whenever he sees a driver with atheist bumper stickers on their car, he hits the gas, whips his vehicle around them, and then cuts them off so they can read his own Christian bumper stickers.
Wow! Can you say “modern-day Paul?” Go ahead. We’ll wait while you do!
His stickers, which include classics like “IF IT AIN’T KING JAMES, IT AIN’T BIBLE” and “GOD SAID IT, I BELIEVE IT, THAT SETTLES IT,” do the hard work of evangelism for him. As the atheist drivers scream at him, flip him off, or attempt to ram his car in a wave of passionate road rage, he calmly speeds away, secure in the knowledge that he’s done his part to ensure they make it into heaven.
We know that Philip ran alongside the eunuch’s chariot to tell him about Jesus, but even that evangelistic powerhouse didn’t perform a dangerous maneuver to cut off his chariot so he would be saved. Philip’s got NOTHIN’ on our boy Daniel H here.
At publishing time, witnesses had spotted Hampton prowling a parking lot with a crowbar, so he could pry Darwin fish stickers off unsuspecting atheists’ vehicles. GREAT COMMISSION STATUS: FULFILLED!
'I Would Take A Bullet For My Faith,' Says Man Who Won't Pray In Public Because It's Weird And Awkward
OAK FALLS, NY—Local Christian man Brad Lensley says he would take a bullet for his faith.
"If Christianity were illegal, I would boldly stand up for Jesus and be imprisoned or die for my faith," he told reporters. "I'm not one to shy away from boldly identifying myself with Jesus and the gospel. In a completely hypothetical scenario where someone comes up to me and threatens to shoot me for believing in God, I would definitely be brave enough to take a stand for Him."
However, investigative reporters have confirmed that Lensley always feels "a little awkward" when he has to pray for his meal in public, so he usually just won't do it. On the rare occasions when he does, the man times his prayers so that the waiter won't come back and interrupt it, which would create a little bit of an awkward situation. He's also careful to pray quietly so that no one looks at him funny.
"I mean, I don't want it to get weird," he said, shrugging. "Can you imagine if we were in the middle of the prayer and the waiter asked us if we needed anything else?" Lensley shuddered. "That'd be soooo off-putting, and I don't want to make things uncomfortable."
Woman Dies Of Awkward Feeling While Sharing Her Faith
COLUMBIA, SC—Local woman Michelle Desmond tragically dropped dead of a sudden, acute feeling of awkwardness Wednesday evening while sharing the gospel with one of her coworkers, a representative for persecuted church ministry Open Doors confirmed.
Desmond was seen asking her associate from the accounting department whether or not he believed in God as the two exited the building for the night when the awkwardness attack occurred, leaving the 29-year-old Customer Service Representative crumpled on the floor as the coworker ran to get help.
The tragedy confirms many American Christians’ worst fears, that the sense of discomfort which usually arises when telling an acquaintance about Jesus could potentially be fatal.
“This just goes to show you how dangerous it is to share the gospel in closed countries like America,” the Open Doors representative said. “You really have to count the cost before you decide to open your mouth and proclaim His truth in your middle-class, suburban neighborhood—you could lose everything.”
“Are you prepared to suffer a potentially deadly, super-awkward feeling for the sake of Jesus?” he added.
Woman Still Waiting For Co-Workers To Ask About Her Faith
COLUMBUS, OH—Stephanie Goodwill of Wysh Financial Corporation announced on Wednesday that she’s surprised she hasn’t had the opportunity to share her faith at work.
“I’ve worked at this company for 15 years,” Goodwill revealed during a phone interview Thursday. “I’ve gotten to know lots of people I work with. Take Joe–he’s always talking about his marriage troubles. And Kathy? She’s a single mom who talks a lot about how hard it is raising three kids on her own. I really think they need Jesus. I’m sure any day now they’ll start asking me about Him, right?”
“It really shouldn’t be that complicated,” she continued. “I mean, I smile at people as I pass them in the hall. I hold doors open for people. I even have a good attitude on conference calls! I still don’t understand why people don’t ask me if Jesus Christ is the Lord of my life.”
“I guess all I can do is keep praying and keep waiting,” she added.
Local Man Fervently Prays That Someone Else Will Witness To His Neighbors
EL CAJON, CA—When a new family moved in next door to local Christian believer James Benson, the faithful Christian knew right away that God had placed them in his life for a reason: so that he could pray right away that God would send someone else to share the Christian faith with them.
Claiming the Lord has placed a burden on his heart that the Maalouf family would see the light of God’s grace in the gospel, Benson set to work on His God-given mission to ask the Lord to pass the responsibility to someone else.
“I just pray that you would bring someone into this family’s life, Lord. Place a Christian near them: perhaps a next-door neighbor or something,” Benson passionately prayed Wednesday morning in fulfillment of the Almighty’s call on his life, according to sources close to him.
“Here I am, Lord. Send someone!” he added, emotion creeping into his voice as his heart was touched by the need of the family to hear the gospel.
“There are no coincidences,” Benson told reporters Wednesday. “God put this family in my life, so that I could beg Him to place someone near to them who will actually step out and witness to them about the truth of Jesus’s life, death, and resurrection.”
At publishing time, Benson had begun praying that God would send someone to witness to his atheist coworker.
Man On Crowded Bus Prays That God Would Show Him His Mission Field
HENDERSONVILLE, TN—”God, I’m begging you—please show me where you want me to bring the gospel,” local man Zack Trenton reportedly prayed as he sat on a crowded bus for over thirty minutes Tuesday morning, surrounded by dozens of lost souls.
“Here I am, Lord. Send me,” he prayed silently, so he wouldn’t disturb a family of Muslims sitting next to him. “Wherever you want me to go—I surrender all, Lord. I surrender all.”
“Maybe deep in the heart of Africa, or some closed country in the Middle East somewhere—where You go, Lord, I’ll go,” he whispered as the family got off the bus, never to encounter an opportunity to hear the gospel for the rest of their lives.
Trenton reportedly also spent time just silently communing with God, waiting on some kind of sign or stirring of his emotions to show him where God wanted him to serve, but received no apparent answer as two Mormon missionaries sat down in the spot next to him and said “hello”.
At publishing time, Trenton had gotten off the bus next to a nice man wearing a “Proud Atheist” shirt, where he proceeded to drop random pins on Google Maps to see if God stirred any kind of passion for him to share with the lost in any exotic, far-off lands.
Man Repents Of Making People Feel Awkward While Evangelizing
WALTHAM, MA—After claiming he was deeply convicted of the wrongness of his actions, local Christian Michael Gunter fell to his knees in a moment of heartfelt prayer and repented for all the times he has made people feel awkward while attempting to spread the good news of Jesus Christ in his community.
The man confessed he has committed the “great sin” of making people feel awkward for a minute or two as he declares the gospel that has the power to change their eternity, and promised God that he would not evangelize as much going forward, “or at least not be so weird about it.”
“Lord, I’m just so sorry that I created a few seconds of awkwardness by offering to share your life-changing gospel with people,” he said, as tears streamed down his face. “I’ve wasted so many years!” Gunter then vowed to God that he would never make anyone feel awkward while evangelizing ever again, “just like Jesus says in the Great Commission.”
Not sure what to do with his newfound time now that he won’t be evangelizing, Gunter has stated he’s thinking about taking up a new sport or hobby that will make him look “like less of a Jesus freak” to the unchurched in his area.
Man Criticizing Billy Graham Has Never Preached Gospel One Single Time
DALLAS, TX—Upon the news of Billy Graham’s passing at age 99 Wednesday morning, local man John Everly took the opportunity to criticize the man’s preaching, theology, and methodology. Everly has not shared the good news of Jesus Christ with a single person in his entire life, multiple sources confirmed.
In a lengthy blog post “hot off the presses” Wednesday, the man was able to point out forty-seven different flaws with Graham’s delivery, calling the famous preacher’s messages “shallow,” “man-centered,” and “wishy-washy,” while he himself had never even attempted to bring a single person to Christ.
Also concerning to the blogger were two or three specific sentences uttered by Graham in the sixty years his words were being recorded, for which Every refused to offer Graham the benefit of the doubt, despite the late evangelist’s lifetime of preaching the gospel to live audiences of more than 200 million people.
At publishing time, sources had confirmed that both of Everly’s parents and all four of his grandparents had been converted to Christ at a Billy Graham crusade.
Local Calvinist's Elaborate Theology Of Evangelism Entirely Theoretical
COLUMBIA, MO—Local Calvinist Bryan Harrison holds to an intricate, well-developed theology of evangelism that exists entirely in the theoretical realm, sources confirmed.
“God is wholly sovereign in salvation, but He uses the means of gospel proclamation to accomplish that end. We can’t just sit around on the couch and hope people get saved,” explained Bryan thoughtfully as he took a seat on his sofa for his daily four-hour Xbox session. “God brings His elect in through the sacrificial efforts of people like you and me.”
“People totally misunderstand Calvinism, as if the salvation of sinners happens in a vacuum, with no God-ordained means used in bringing them to Christ,” said the Reformed man who, sources confirm, has not witnessed to a single person in the past five years.
“You really should read J.I. Packer’s book on the subject—it totally changed the way I debate the idea of God’s sovereignty in evangelism,” he added. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to tend to the important business of pwning some noobs.”
Do you have a favorite Babylon Bee article?
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